


Saeyoung Week 2018

by God217



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 10:29:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15241422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/God217/pseuds/God217
Summary: My contribution to Saeyoung Week 2018Duration: July 9th - July 15th





	1. Family

Aside from Saeran, his family had never meant much to Saeyoung.

Why would it?

His father had never even bothered to meet him, and if he’d done so, then both he and his brother would be gone now.

His mother had been a drunk, never cared for him at all. She’d only used her children to press their father for money.

Who else could he even count as family?

On his mother’s side, there was nobody he knew of, though he’d never tried to search. He didn’t care about them.

On his father’s side the family was hard to ignore, given he was a public person. But all he knew was from the media, and the minor research he’d done at times just to make sure he was still safe.

His father’s wife and their daughter, his half-sister though he didn’t think of her as such. He knew their names, nothing more.

It wasn’t like the man actually recognized him as a son.

Not a single person in his so-called family recognized him as their relative, he doubted most even knew of his existence.

Aside from Saeran, family meant nothing to him.

His birth family, that was.

His true family were the people who accepted him, who loved him.

The people he knew he could rely on even in bad times, and who he knew wouldn’t abandon him.

The RFA was like a second family for all of the members, and for him and Saeran, it was their first one.

Their only one.

It was the only family they could ever need, could ever want.

Maybe they weren’t all related by blood, but Saeyoung couldn’t imagine a better family to call his own.

Who cared about his parents anyway? They didn’t deserve any of his feelings at all.

Despite everything that he’d been through – seeing his friends, his real family?

He felt incredibly lucky.


	2. Space Station

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay look I'm never going to get married but if I do then I want a space themed wedding too. And a cat to bring the rings.
> 
> And probably also a cat as my spouse let's be real.

The day they actually got married, well, it wasn’t at a space station.

As cool as it would’ve been, of course it wasn’t actually possible. Perhaps in a few decades it would be, but he really didn’t want to wait that long.

Back when he’d first brought the idea up – he’d been joking anyway. He’d have never dreamed that he’d actually get to marry her, that he’d get to a point in his life where he had his brother and a wife right by his side.

Life wasn’t perfect, but some moments truly were. That was more than he’d ever wished.

It wasn’t a space station, but there hadn’t even been any question about what the wedding theme would be.

Everything was decorated in shades of deep blue and black, small stars wherever he looked. Part of him had wanted to wear space suits just to complete the aesthetic, but she’d convinced him to go with the regular wedding outfits, and how could he ever say no to her?

Besides, it’d be hard to kiss her with a space helmet on.

If they’d actually managed to go to outer space for real, they most likely wouldn’t have been able to bring any guests either. None of their friends would be around, none of their family.

Although they’d still kept it at a small scale, only inviting their closest friends and of course her parents and close relatives, there were still quite an amount of people that were unlikely to even all fit on board a rocket ship.

Not to mention all the annoying procedures they’d have to go through.

Instead they’d simply made the venue look like space, which had been a much easier option, and it looked more stunning than he’d imagined.

Although, not as stunning as his wife.

If someone had told him a year ago that he’d be getting married that day, he’d have just laughed, he’d have thought they’d be making a bad attempt at mimicking his humor.

But there he was now, a ring around his finger.

He was actually free from the agency, free from being a hacker.

He had a family, both in the RFA and in her, and someone who loved him in a way he’d never thought he deserved to be loved.

He had his brother as his best man right next to him, and somehow she’d even managed to convince Jumin to let his dear Elly bring the rings.

Even though Zen was not amused by that part.

It wasn’t a space station, but really, as he looked around, realizing that it was actually /his wedding/, the start of a new life, a good one this time?

It couldn’t possibly have been more perfect.


	3. Identity

His identity is something that at this point, even he is quite uncertain of at times.

Who is he, anyway?

If asked about his identity, the first question coming to his mind would be, ‘which one?’

He has too many to even count.

All the field missions he’s been on, each undercover job had required him to become someone completely different. He’s been everything one could think of.

He’s been a maid, he’s been a magical fairy, he’s been a professional drug dealer.

There are so many names he’s had in his life.

But even his undercover personas aside, still the question about his true identity would be answered differently by each person asked.

Officially?

Well, the personal ID he has on him has him as Luciel Choi, although the ID has been given to him by the agency upon request. He’s never had one before taking the job, he’s legally never even existed. His parents made sure of that.

And his ID specific for the agency calls him agent 707EXTREME, which really isn’t much of a name, yet at the same time, 707 feels as much as a name to him as any other.

It isn’t just a number, it is his name.

But just like Luciel, it isn’t his real name. Not that it matters.

Is his real name his true identity?

He hasn’t used it in so long, it’s almost as if he’d lost it if it really was him. As if he’d lost the person he’s been meant to be, becoming somebody completely different, somebody whose identity changes more often than the seasons.

Who is he?

He was born as Saeyoung Choi, but Saeyoung Choi has never been meant to be born.

Saeyoung Choi has never been meant to exist.

And when he joined the agency, hasn’t he erased that part of himself for good?

Well, he should’ve, although he’s never truly been able to let go of everything he’s had in his past.

He's never truly let go of Saeran, it was impossible to do.

But Saeran is the only thing keeping Saeyoung still alive, and both those names are buried deep down at the far edges of his mind, where nobody will ever find them, including himself.

Luciel is the boy who’s gone to church and gotten baptized, and he’s the boy who now lives in a bunker and loves to buy expensive cars.

707 is the agent going on dangerous missions, as well as the hacker working day and night.

And Seven is the friend, the person in the chatroom that few ever see face-to-face.

All of those sides of him are merged together at the edges, yet they’re distinctly different, despite him being all three and also none of them at the same time.

Who is he really?

That’s a question he can’t really answer, because he doesn’t know for sure.

Too much has happened in his life for him to know what’s real or not, he’s faked himself too many times to remember what he’s started out as.

He doesn’t know who he really is.

All he knows is that he has no choice but to keep going.

In the end, his identity doesn’t matter anyway.

All that counts is that he’s there.


	4. Stargazing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was actually inspired by something I used to do with my mother. Basically whenever I spent the night away from here (like at a friend's place), she said she'd send a kiss to the moon before going to bed, so if I did the same she'd be kissing me goodnight that way.
> 
> She died when I was nine, but sometimes I look at the moon and it's like she's still there.

Sometimes he sits alone, somewhere far away from the city, just looking up at the sky.

He has a spot he likes to drive to, a small clearing where few people ever seem to go, especially at night. He likes how peaceful it seems, unlike the rest of his world.

He just sits down, leaning back, and looks at the stars.

Dreaming about space, and about how his life could’ve been if he’d been born into a different family.

Sometimes, when the sky is clear, he finds shapes in the stars, connecting them with invisible lines to form pictures, painting the night with his fantasy.

He knows a few star signs, but most of them he‘s found by himself.

Others, he remembers finding with Saeran.

He remembers when they’d huddle by their small window just to look outside, or those few times they’d managed to sneak out at night. Saeran had always loved to find shapes in the clouds, while he’d preferred the night, but both of them had enjoyed them together.

He looks for the big ice cream come each night, an arrangement of stars that really does look like one somehow.

It was Saeran’s favorite.

Sometimes he imagines his brother looking up at it too, remembering him.

If only stars could convey messages, he’d send secret letters to him every night. He sends his prayers to the stars, hoping that wherever he is, Saeran will receive them.

He might not know it, but they’re there.

And he imagines that his twin is on the other side, replying in the same unspoken words.

They may be apart, they may never see each other again, but nothing will ever truly make them separate.

He’s sure of it.

They were born twins, two parts of the same. His other half.

He’ll never be complete without his brother.

But seeing the stars like that, it reminds him of what he’s fighting for, of why he had to leave.

He has to keep working, to stay in the agency, so that Saeran can look at the stars every night, and be happy.

As long as the stars continue to shine, he vows to protect him with whatever he can give and more.

As long as they can both see the stars, they’ll always be together.


	5. Comfort

If anything, he’d been the one to comfort people.

Not often, sure. Only when he’d been a child, only Saeran.

But he’d always been the strong one.

For him, nobody had ever tried to help, because nobody knew he needed it.

The people who knew just how hard his life was, well, they tended to be the reason, so he wasn’t exactly expecting them to care.

The few who he knew would at least try, he didn’t want to bother them with it.

He’d never wanted his friends to know the truth about what it was he did, though they did know the basics, he always made it sound much better than it really was.

There had never been a single day where he’d had fun at his job, not even remotely.

He wasn’t even really sure why he hid his feelings like that. It had just kind of happened at some point, and it’d stuck.

He wasn’t doing it on purpose.

But he’d learned that feelings were weakness, and that the only way to survive was by burying them away deep down, so when he’d eventually found somewhere he could share them, he’d lost the ability to do so.

Even when he tried, he always ended up making some sort of stupid joke that made people believe he was okay when he truly was not.

He wasn’t okay at all.

But he was sabotaging himself, unable to reach out for help.

That was, at least, until he met her.

Until he fell in love, and everything suddenly changed.

She understood him, she could see past his silly exterior and knew the true him. And she accepted the true him, something nobody had ever done.

And eventually, he allowed himself to let her in, because in the end, he had to admit to himself that there was nothing he wanted more.

He’d never had anyone to comfort him.

He’d never known what it was like, so he’d never truly missed it.

But as soon as he felt her arms around him, embracing him from behind when he finally broke, he couldn’t help but wish that she could just stay that way forever.

That he could hide himself in her, and just be held for a bit.

He’d never known how much he’d needed that until he had it.

And as much as it saved him, it also doomed him.

Because he’d never be able to forget how it felt.

And he’d be longing for it for the rest of his life.


	6. Crossdressing

He’d never really understood the big deal people made out of crossdressing.

It was only fair, wasn’t it? If girls were allowed to wear pretty dresses and make-up, where was the rule that said guys were not?

Okay, admittedly, the first time he’d done it he’d been quite reluctant about the whole thing, though he hadn’t had much of a choice given that it was a mission, and those weren’t optional.

Being the smallest and youngest agent, he’d always ended up having to play the women.

But once he’d actually tried?

Damn, he’d never realized just how lucky girls were.

He loved the idea of applying all kinds of make-up, making himself look like an entirely different person. He’d barely even recognized himself in the mirror the first time he’d done it, and the different options were endless as well.

And dresses were just…

L e g   r o o m.

It was like hanging out without pants on, except it was completely socially acceptable, not to mention it looked cute as heck on him.

Pants were for losers.

Although he’d never felt the need to question his gender identity – he was pretty certain he was just a simple guy – that didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy /looking/ like a girl, right?

Nobody spared a second glance on girls dressing like guys after all.

The agency wanted him to dress like a girl?

He’d be the prettiest girl they’d ever seen, with flowing, long hair and beautiful legs in his newest high heels.

Although, he quickly learned, high heels were pure evil.

It was like Satan but as a shoe, and given that he was a highly intelligent, trained secret agent, it had taken him much longer than he wanted to admit to learn how to walk in them. And not to mention, how to run.

Because in his job, running was sometimes mandatory.

He’d taught himself how to run in high heels, and how to hide a gun beneath a fairly tight dress.

The rest of his stuff he just kept in a purse, pockets apparently being a male-only thing, but seeing as searching a purse was much easier done than searching pockets, he installed a secret compartment in it where he could hide the more important things.

After his first mission as a woman, he’d come to appreciate the female gender a lot more than he had before.

It was fun, he’d honestly loved it, but damn.

Getting ready took hours.

Not to mention all the hair that kept ending up in his eyes and mouth, or, again, the apparent lack of built-in storage space.

And all of those looks he’d gotten.

Personally, he didn’t care much, he thought they were hilarious and had no shame flirting back jokingly, but he could easily see how it’d make most people uncomfortable. Especially people who weren’t trained in combat like he was.

Nobody ever expected him to be trained in combat.

Well, anyway.

He’d never felt any shame about the whole thing, there wasn’t a point in that.

Really, if he started feeling ashamed about every single slightly different thing he did, he’d never even leave his house again. He'd just be hiding in his room forever.

Who cared, anyway?

Having grown up in captivity like he had, every form of self-expression was like a blessing to him.

And if anybody had a problem with it? 

Well, he still had a taser.

And so did his partner in crime that completely agreed on the whole thing.


	7. Honey Buddha Chips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I totally didn't write this from personal experience lmao
> 
> Hbc are my primary life source lolol

Having a diet consisting exclusively of potato chips might sound like fun to a lot of people.

It might sound enjoyable to just live off of tasty snacks, especially if one had so many of them they’d last for a lifetime.

And Honey Buddha Chips were the tastiest ones there were, not to mention rare to anyone but him, so he should truly consider himself lucky to have an endless amount of them to eat.

It didn’t feel as great as he made it sound.

They tasted amazing.

Especially when coupled with PhD Pepper, they were undoubtedly the best thing he’d ever eaten, and taste wise, he’d never get enough.

But damn, his stomach hated him.

His entire body hated him.

There were times where he felt completely fine, and then, all of a sudden, some kind of sharp pain would shoot through him.

Some days it felt like his stomach was full of acid, poisonous acid that was eating away on his insides, dissolving them into nothing.

Some days the pain wouldn’t stop stinging at his heart, his chest aching so badly he had to take a break from typing and curl up on his bed.

Except he rarely had time to really take a break, so most of the time he just got another bag of chips and continued on as soon as he could sit somewhat upright again.

He wasn’t stupid. He knew it was his own fault.

Thing was, as soon as the pain disappeared, he didn’t even care anymore.

He was alive enough to work.

He didn’t care in the least about his body, about his well-being. Why would he?

Nobody else ever had.

Really, if one day he died from eating nothing but potato chips, then so be it.

There were worse ways to go.

And besides, they did taste incredibly good. Honey Buddha Chips were one of the very few joys of life he’d ever had.

He didn’t have the time or skill to cook anyway, so unless he got Vanderwood to make him something, his chips were all he had.

It was truly a tasty kind of suffering.

Nothing he’d want for anybody else, but for someone like him, it was a fitting kind of diet.

He didn’t deserve much more, anyway.

He didn’t care either.

He had them, they were free, they took no time to make, and god did they taste amazing.

It wasn’t nearly as fun as he made it sound.

But he was used to it.


End file.
